Episode 14: How to Deal with Holiday Stress

In this special holiday episode of South of Fine, we are joined by Christine Green, LPC, NCC and Dayton Brasfield, LPC, NCC, therapists at Right Track Medical Group to discuss the sources of holiday stress and how to overcome it. Listen now below, or anywhere you get your podcasts.

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Rhes Low, Host:

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of South of Fine. I, as usual, am your host, Rhes Low. This week, we are going to be talking about the holidays and how we can cope with the added stress that many of us experience. While the holidays are an exciting time, it's no surprise that the expectations of the holiday season, like family gatherings, and gift-giving, and cooking, and that's just to name a few, they can all be extremely overwhelming. And these added demands can cause unwanted stress and anxiety in a time that's really just meant to be joyful and spent enjoying quality time with the loved ones. And of course, this year, the holidays will likely look a little bit different with all that COVID has given us.

So to help us understand a little bit more about holiday stress and how to manage it, we are joined by Christine Green, a therapist at Right Track Medical Group's Hattiesburg clinic, and Dayton Brasfield. Dayton, I said that correctly, right?

Dayton Brasfield, LPC, NCC, Therapist, Right Track Medical Group:

Yes.

Low:

Okay. She's a therapist at Right Track Medical Group Starkville clinic. Guys, good to have you here. Thank you for joining me.

Brasfield:

Thanks for having us.

Christine Green, LPC, NCC, Therapist, Right Track Medical Group:

Yes, Thank you.

Low:

Of course. So let's jump right into this. I know everybody's got to be places, you got clients, and I want to go play golf. I'm just kidding, I don't want to get to play golf. So during the winter, we often hear about seasonal affective disorder or SAD. Do you think that this contributes to holiday stress or are those completely separate concerns?

Green:

Sure, sure. So I think that those can be related. I think they can also be separate. So seasonal affective disorder usually refers to people who experience a major depressive episode with a seasonal pattern. So usually they might experience a major depressive episode beginning in the fall or winter months and then it usually seems to kind of dissipate or remit in the spring. So, I mean, that can definitely add to the, I think, natural stress we might experience around the holidays. But again, stress is normal and I don't think stress always becomes as severe as depression.

Low:

So, what are some common causes of stress around the holidays?

Brasfield:

Well, in general, this time of year brings a lot of chaos, and I think that most people, holidays are hard on themselves. And during this time of year, like you said, there is the seasonal things that have correlation between these depressive states that people experience, and holidays in general, they're typically a really hard time in terms of grief. Holidays remind us of certain times, of certain memories, things of that nature. There's a lot of correlation between the chaos and the stress and the holidays.

Low:

Yeah. Do you guys get busier during the holidays?

Green:

I think it can be a hit or miss. I think sometimes we might see more people if they are dealing with increased stress or increased depression, that could be a time where people are really coming in for services. At the same time, that can sometimes affect people coming in. So if they are severely stressed or they feel like they have a lot on their plate, they have a lot on their schedule or they are even more depressed than usual, that could prevent them from coming in. So in my experience it really has been kind of a hit or miss.

Low:

Yeah. And you kind of touched on the fact that stress does increase just inevitably during the holidays. I don't know who said it, I think Dayton, you said chaos. I mean, there's a lot of chaos and especially this year with COVID happening. What are some tips that you guys could give people to maybe preemptive strike or manage what's coming upon us with the holiday season?

Brasfield:

I think knowing yourself really well and knowing your groove. As Christine said, it's very hit or miss with people who either come in extra on the holidays because they do find comfort in it and others who find comfort in making a list and getting it done. I think a lot of it has a lot to do with how well you know yourself and how well you know how to prevent these depressive episodes or these anxiety episodes, or how well do you know yourself in order to prevent these things, and how to prevent the utmost chaos that there could be.

Low:

Yeah, that's interesting too, because, on a lot of these episodes, we bring up anxiety. And typically, because of the stigma associated with mental health care and mental health specifically, people don't associate mental health problems with anxiety, that's just a part of being a human being. But that's a huge piece that can lead to worse symptoms. So during the holidays, as anxiety increases, that's a big deal and it's sometimes hard to manage. I know that I've got four kids, so I've got a lot of anxiety during the holidays, but I think that that's based on financial.

Brasfield:

It sounds situational.

Low:

That's right, situational. Yeah. And I didn't tell you guys, sometimes I do get off script, so don't worry I'll come back around. We'll skip around a few times here. So, I just mentioned that I was a parent and there are a lot of expectations during the holidays. My kids have expectations. My wife has expectations. I have expectations. My parents or my mother has expectations, in-laws, that's a whole circle of expectations that are not the same. Or, being cheery, I mean, you have to put on a good face. So how can we let some of these unrealistic expectations, to attend everything, to please everyone, how can we deal with it?

Green:

I think like Dayton was saying, it can be helpful to know yourself. I think it can be helpful to kind of look back on past holidays and review if you will, how that went. So did you set your expectations too high? Was it hard to meet your expectations or your family's expectations? And trying to see where are some areas where I can lower those expectations. What are some areas that I can make some changes in? So again, if there's something about the holidays that I don't necessarily enjoy or I don't like to keep it with these certain traditions, can I change those? Can I make changes so that I don't have to keep up with these expectations?

Low:

Yeah. I guess the holidays is a good time to analyze yourself.

Brasfield:

And too, priorities during this time of year are so important. Realistically, you cannot meet all 37 expectations that you just talked about.

Low:

Right.

Brasfield:

And so prioritizing it. Is my kids' expectation more important than mine or more important than my mother-in-law's, like whose expectations do I really want to prioritize? Because you're only one person, you cannot meet everyone's. And kind of finding peace in that, I think could help.

Low:

Yeah. Peace would be not having to buy lots of presents. Because I don't, do I? I don't have to.

Brasfield:

Right.

Green:

No.

Brasfield:

And you don't.

Low:

That's right. That's what budgets are for. I guess that's part of the organization. Do you guys ever have stress from the holidays?

Green:

Absolutely.

Dayton Brasfield:

Of course. Sometimes, you let it get the best of you.

Low:

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I think about ... I always anticipate them with such peace and then it gets into it and of course, there's that inevitable conversation that I have with my wife that I am the Grinch or Scrooge. Because we lose our tempers. And, I don't know.

Brasfield:

That chaos tends to bring irritability too, so we do lose our tempers a lot during times like this.

Low:

The chaos of the holidays.

Brasfield:

And this year's very different due to COVID, so there's even more added stress.

Low:

Yeah. How can families manage that COVID stress that's coming up? And there's a lot of risk tolerance with family members and grandparents that are going to be around. Do y'all have any suggestions on how we can navigate those?

Green:

I think, I mean, one thing we've kind of seen throughout this year as we've, I guess, adjusted to this new COVID lifestyle is, yeah, we're not able to maybe be around family or friends as much as we would like. I think it can be really important to consider what makes us feel safe and healthy, but also what makes maybe our parents or grandparents or whoever feel healthy and safe. So, if we can't meet, I think one thing that's been great is having FaceTime or Zoom meetings if you will. Or maybe one thing I've thought about is, is some people really enjoy some of the traditions of holidays, so maybe that's cooking. Maybe you still want to cook a meal, but you can't have your family over, but maybe make to-go plates. Maybe you have your family come by and pick up food, or maybe if you have elderly family members, maybe you bring them food if you can see them. Again, I think practicing safe, social distancing, so still trying to make the best of the situation just with adjustments.

Low:

Yeah, that's great. I think you said something in there that triggered this, but what about people that are alone during the holidays? And we all live in university towns and I think that there are college students that probably struggle with this and, of course, there are older people that struggle with this. Can we talk a little bit about how they can help themselves or how we as a community can help them if you have any suggestions along those lines? Dayton, what do you think?

Brasfield:

In terms of the college kids, I think like you were saying, Christina was saying, this time of year that there are more people alone right now due to COVID and things like that. But I think learning to accept these adjustments and understanding that it is temporary. The next month is going to go, whether we like it or not, and learn how to adjust in the best way possible. And there's other things you can do, like such as FaceTime and telephone calls, and there's also other people you can reach out to besides the family that you do or do not have. Finding another group of people that are alone, like finding another support system. It does take effort in that sense and maybe finding a different group that also feels alone and finding support in that.

Low:

Does help to just go if you are finding yourself alone during the holidays, does it help to just go maybe sit at a coffee shop where you're around other people or does it take more like you said, make an effort to engage, or does just being around others helpful?

Brasfield:

I think it depends on the person.

Green:

Yeah. I was going to say, I think simply being around other people is nice in itself. While we all might enjoy some alone time and peace and quiet, I don't think we should be isolated for too long, for extended periods of time. That can start to be detrimental to our mental health. So yeah, even just go and like you said, to a coffee shop or to a restaurant just to be around people is helpful. I was even thinking the holiday seemed to be a great time to volunteer. So maybe you don't have a lot of family or friends to be around, be around other people, find ways to help other people, and volunteering that can bring, I think, benefits to ourselves as well. That can usually make us feel pretty good, pretty positive about our experiences when we're able to do something like that.

Low:

Yeah. That's a great idea. So, guys, what about people who have really difficult ... And we talk about families, and a lot of us, we love our families and have not too many big ordeals, but what about people that have really big problems with their families and have to attend these events with their families, and because it's a family feel obligated to be there? And are there other problems that are involved in that and things that need to be discussed, but what can help them feel better about the holidays or even cope with the visit?

Green:

Well, I'll take that one. I think even like you said, sometimes we feel obligated to be around family even if family is stressful or maybe we don't always have the most positive relationships with people in our family, so I think still practicing self-care and having healthy boundaries is important. I mean, it's always important. And so it's okay, I think, to limit your time, limit your interactions with family, so maybe you don't see them every single day or maybe you go by for 15 minutes, not an hour. And trying tot to spend time around positive people. So if people in your family are stressful, that might be an even more important time to make sure you're associating with positive family or positive friends. But also again, that's where that alone time can be helpful, making sure you have time for yourself to relax and deal with the stressors that you might've just faced being with your family.

Low:

I noticed that you didn't say in all of those "drink more."

Green:

That might be something you want to do. I think it's helpful to be mindful of that, not overindulging.

Brasfield:

That would be [inaudible 00:15:48] the unhealthy coping skills.

Low:

There you go. That's on the other scale, which a lot of us are very good at it. Yeah, so overindulging is not a good idea.

Brasfield:

I think boundaries like Christina said would probably be your best, one of the more beneficial factors, and that is like you said, if know going to this certain family member's home, you leave and you're upset and you're overwhelmed with negative emotions, limit yourself. Know I can handle 30 minutes. I can't handle the minute more, a minute less, but I can handle the 30 minutes. And so keeping that very clear boundaries of, that's all I'm going to stay and having peace to not have to necessarily explain that to anyone else. But knowing that this is how long I'm going to stay and I will leave after 30 minutes. Having just very clear boundaries.

Low:

Yeah. I love that you guys are basically telling people, give yourself permission to do what suits you, while you're giving to others, while you're giving that time, but limit it. Makes sure that you're healthy. Because anything over that time limit, if you do have problems there, say you stay 40 minutes, it could develop into some sort of conversation that's even more stressful. So I love that you're giving people permission to take care and don't have to do everything that's out there. So at family gatherings, I think this is probably pretty similar to a lot of the answers that we've discussed, rather than exacerbating the stress and anxiety, what are some ways to keep the peace in just standard conversation if that's an issue?

Brasfield:

Well, if they are your family, you probably know them fairly well. There's probably certain conversations that you know well to steer clear from. You tend to know people at that point and if they're your family, you've known them for a while. Stay away from certain conversations that bring up certain behaviors that you don't care for. If you hate ... Dad and mom discuss politics with me, okay, well, bring up politics. If you hate the way your sister-in-law treats her children, don't offer your advice because she's not going to take it.

Green:

Yeah. I was going to say, it goes back to boundaries. And I think part of setting boundaries is to be assertive. So it's okay to be upfront, to be direct, but respectful to say, "I'd really prefer if we didn't talk about that today," or, "I really prefer if we could just focus on this." Like I said, politics, maybe that can be off the table, things like that, that you can set those boundaries. You can be pretty explicit about what you will or will not put up with honestly.

Low:

Yeah, that's great. I think that all of these suggestions are really practical and this is a practical show. It's interesting because we're not going in-depth into this particular topic because holiday stress is different for everyone like you guys said. There's pieces of stress that are minimal and there's pieces that are huge. I have a little bit of trepidation about the holidays because my father died this year.

Brasfield:

Sorry to hear that.

Low:

This is the first Christmas without him. Well, thank you. There's a lot of like I said, trepidation is the best word to use. So I feel for all those people, we've had a lot of deaths this year, and there's a lot of people going through the exact same thing. So I hope that, and any added stress, like talking politics or talking about ... I love the sister example. Because I know my wife, she has a sister, and they love each other dearly. They really do.

Green:

I'm sure.

Low:

But, yeah. So I think that on top of everything else that's going on, just these practical things of setting boundaries and understanding like you said, not analyzing yourself. What's a better way to say that?

Green:

Self-reflection, self-awareness.

Low:

Okay, great. I think that those are going to be so useful moving forward. They will be to me. Holiday stress, doggone it. Well, thank you, guys. I appreciate it. Are you guys staying in your respective towns for the holidays or are you going elsewhere?

Brasfield:

My due date is December 24th.

Low:

Oh, my gosh.

Brasfield:

So, I'm not really sure where I'll be.

Low:

Wow. Yeah, that's awesome.

Brasfield:

So I could be at the hospital. I could be home. I'm not really sure what's going to go on.

Green:

Congratulations.

Low:

Well, that's super cool. Congratulations

Brasfield:

Thank you.

Green:

Yes, I'll be in Hattiesburg. My husband and I both have family here, so that makes it easy and difficult, a lot of family to see in a short period of time. But we're also very fortunate we don't have to travel too far, so we'll be around Hattiesburg.

Low:

All right. Well, guys, thank you for your time.

Brasfield:

Thanks for having us.

Low:

If you have questions about mental health and the COVID-19 pandemic that you'd like our providers to answer in a future episode, please email South of Fine at righttrackmedical.com. And if you'd like more information about Right Track Medical Group or the South of Fine podcast, please visit righttrackmedical.com. Thanks to our production team, Kelley Hunsberger, Caitlyn Clegg, Carol Ann Hughes, Aleka Battista, and Rhes Low. A special thanks to the SquadCast for providing superior remote interview services.

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